He's not juicing, he's crying!

He’s not juicing, he’s crying!

On Monday after weeks of hype and rumors, suspensions were handed out by Major League Baseball to those individuals who were linked to Biogenesis.  Among those who were suspended was the New York Mets very own Jordany Valdespin.  This came as a shock to many as Valdespin had not been previously mentioned as part of the investigation and he’s terrible at baseball.  Although he was hitting about .900 at AAA Las Vegas but then again even I could hit .300 playing in Las Vegas.   Other fun notable players who were suspended include Mets minor leaguer Cesar Puello, Texas Rangers star outfielder Nelson Cruz, and Philadelphia Phillies reliever Antonio Bastardo (Who keeps living up to his name).  Every player who was suspended will miss most if not all of the remaining games this season.  Each player took their suspension like a man (Although I picture Valdespin robbing a liquor store right now) except of course for Alex Rodriguez who will attempt to appeal his suspension so that he can keep playing and making money because you know, he’s going to run out of money at some point!

I'm back bitches!

I’m back bitches!

After weeks of false rehab stints and second and third opinions from doctors who know nothing about his condition, A-Rod made his 2013 debut Monday night against the Chicago White Sox.  He went 1 for 4 and was mercilessly booed by the Chicago fans who were probably more excited to boo him than they have been for anything either Chicago baseball team has done this season. Now begins the day to day circus of “Will He or Won’t He?” in regards to A-Rod’s suspension beginning.   Until that time though just know that he really really means it when he says “I just want to help my team win.”  (Probably not.)    I myself am torn on this subject.  As a comedian I like to follow the laughs, and I think it’s way funnier if A-Rod keeps fighting his suspension and continues to steal the Yankees money as his skills vanish into oblivion.  On the other hand if he gets suspended, he will be out until the start of the 2015 season and hopefully by that point some of us will have forgotten his name.  Suzyn Waldman will anxiously await his return though…

Oh my god, it's so shiny! Can you believe it John?

Oh my god, it’s so shiny! Can you believe it John?


A lot of people are applauding Commissioner Bud Selig for his hard stance on PED users meanwhile this is the same Bud Selig who looked the other way as Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were hitting home runs without their bare hands in the late 90’s. I’m sorry but giving Selig credit for cracking down on steroids is like giving Henry Hill credit for renouncing the mafia.  5 points if you get that reference.

I haven't liked steroids in like 10 years!

I haven’t liked steroids in like 10 years!

Back to Queens…

David Wright landed on the DL over the weekend with a hamstring injury. He will most likely miss about a month of the season and during that time the Mets will probably fall into a complete tailspin and cease to resemble a major league baseball team.  The injury of course raises the question of whether or not it was a good idea to sign him to that huge contract.  I like Wright but if I was Sandy Alderson I would have picked up his 2013 option and tried to trade him last offseason.  I don’t begrudge the team for signing him, he’s a fine player but ultimately it was more of a PR move than anything else.  Had the team gotten rid of Wright a year after Reyes left, Citi Field might have been burned to the ground by crazed fans.  Hopefully Wright recovers quickly and this injury is just an isolated incident and not the start of a yearly “LOL OMG WRIGHT IS SO INJURY PRONE” meme.

How the fuck does Ray Ramirez still have a job?

How the fuck does Ray Ramirez still have a job?

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You've been Ray Liotta'd

You’ve been Ray Liotta’d


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